By Oludolapo Okunniga
Red flags on a route or trail or road, means there is danger ahead. It is a sign that you have to turn or seek an alternative route. It is so with relationships.
The toughest journey is the one you have to make alone. But it is also the one that makes you the strongest. Some of these journeys often begin in the form of leaving an abusive or difficult relationship and having to continue the journey alone. That is taking a different route.
In a former romantic relationship, that journey may become so lonely and traumatizing that some go back. When that feeling is coupled with lack of financial independence or support, many sadly turn back on that journey to their abusers.
A significant number of women go back to their abusers because of financial challenges. Others go back to, it hoping that their abusers would change. Yet, many return because they want a balance for their children. A balance that may however be unhealthy. And some return due to the social stigma attached to such decisions. They do not want to be separated or divorced. They do not want to be alone.
There are billions of people on the planet. It is manipulation to believe or be forced to think one’s life is tied to one who constantly abuses you, either physically or emotionally.
During the courtship stage, once a relationship begins to raise disturbing issues called red flags, it is time to re-evaluate.
If a man hits a woman before marriage, he is going to do worse after because there is nothing to fear after they are legally bound. If a woman has nasty anger issues, it is going to devolve, even more into monstrous proportions.
On Father’s Day, the issue of paternity was ironically the reason a man murdered his long time girlfriend in Lekki, Lagos. A relationship of seven years with two children between them. The relationship was reportedly said to be off and on. Issues and reconciliations. Over and over.
Then they began to plan to get married later this year. They recently moved to Lekki and no one knew much about them, except they saw them jogging the previous evening within the estate.
On June 21, the Father’s Day, neigbours were alarmed at the level of noise within the estate. And they complained to the security. So, they came to warn them and met the wife’s sister with the children downstairs.
They tried to force the door and it opened to horror in what is believed to be a murder-suicide. The guy tortured his girlfriend to death with pliers and knives and then drank sniper to kill himself.
Tributes have continued to pour in for the lady who is said to be hard working and upwardly mobile and had things going for her. It was discovered that contrary to paternity issues as claimed, the man had tried to kill a former girlfriend in Port Harcourt who had escaped before he came to Lagos.
And even if it were to be paternity issues so to say, why couldn’t he let her go? Why should death be an option?
I think we should begin to evaluate the mental and emotional well being of people we engage with, if we have not been doing so. It is very important in relationships.
No matter what, once the red flags shows, make a decision and stick by it.
Don’t let money, sex, comfort or societal expectations drive you back to dangerous people.
I feel so pained for those children who are made to witness such tragedy in an early stage of their lives. Those things never goes away.
Red flags are dangerous signs. And a life is worth more. People will always have an opinion, but safety and health matters.
In Nigeria, people hardly bother if you are genuinely happy. And if you are, they even try to invalidate it because you are not in a relationship, not married or not having kids. That is our society; even if you are frustrated, tired, unhappy or sick, nobody cares. It is about presenting facades.
To survive, you have to refuse to be cornered or forced into a guilt trip or to feel ashamed.
if it doesn’t work; if it is back and forth, especially when it stretches for a long period of time, then you have to make life and time-saving decisions for yourself.
Don’t ignore when someone persistently says they can’t do without you and you cannot leave them. Sometimes these are subtle threats from an unstable mind.
When you sight red flags, you don’t follow the route. You read the signs, seek for directions and you follow a safer route.
The same applies for relationships.
Leave a Reply